A Good Identity Crisis

Having spent 16 hours of my weekend in the car, I've soaked up my fair share of the top 40 hits that any radio station from here to Ohio has to offer. There are a few lines from the chorus of one particular song that are really sticking with me, and they're brought to you by Avicii--

So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost

These four lines seemed quite appropriate, as I've been asking the question, "Who am I?" quite a bit lately - and for various reasons.

First, I've asked "Who am I?!" with absolute joy and utter shock at the power of my own determination in accomplishing my goal to run a 10k. I hardly recognize myself anymore, as the former #1 opponent of running is now putting in about 20 miles per week. I own sneakers that aren't manufactured by Nike. The sole playlist on my iPod contains only songs that are 128-140 beats per minute. I own a stopwatch. I eat complex carbs and lots of bananas. While writing this, someone posted a link to an article about running on my Facebook wall. And I don't skip workouts - because they're what I most look forward to. Who is this person? Where did she come from? When is she running a half-marathon? Can I be friends with her?

I've also mulled over and over and over the "Who am I?" question as I begin crafting personal and academic statements for my PhD applications. Quick aside for a life update: I'm applying to about seven programs. Said applications are due between December 1 and January 15. Seven essays to write for the first three programs, many of which require me to ask myself, "Who am I?" and articulate my response to this life-haunting question as succinctly as possible. How do I capture myself in 500 words or less? How do I distinguish myself from other applicants? What's worth reading? And is it inappropriate to mention my undying love for bacon and chili cheese coneys? (Sadly, I am fully aware that bacon and chili cheese coneys should not make the cut. If you have any suggestions about how I break the bad news to them, let me know. Maintaining those relationships is very important to me.)

And today, I had the awesome privilege of filling in for my professor, who's out of town, which meant lecturing to the full class of 90 students (typically, I teach 15-30 students, and only on Fridays). How appropriate that I would be lecturing on self-concept and identity construction amid my own incessant grappling with the big question: Who am I? Which reminds me to tell you that teaching is going really freaking well. In addition to my TA duties, I've been tutoring several students. If they had to describe to you who I am, they'd tell you that until I upgrade my phone to the 21st century, it doesn't even matter. They may provide a lot of unsolicited commentary on my life, but it provides really hilarious relief to my daily grind; I wouldn't trade them for the world (despite the fact that they've called me boring, a cartoon character, possibly crazy, and told me that my life doesn't seem real).
 
The first six weeks of my second year at Wake, as a whole, have left me asking, "Who am I?" on several occasions, as I simply feel like a totally different person compared to who I was last year. I know people. I walk across campus and wave to familiar faces rather than quietly encountering a sea of strange ones. Someone actually said to me, "You know EVERYONE!" My surroundings are familiar. I'm busy, but I haven't cried yet. I've allowed myself to have fun (and, at times, too much fun - which is SO MUCH FUN). I finally feel more like my old self, yet better and wiser than my old self.

I guess I woke up. And I guess you could say, "All this time I was finding myself, and I didn't know I was lost." Oh, thanks Avicii, you took the words right out of my mouth. Now, if I can put some words in Avicii's mouth, I think all of this means that who I am will always be a work in progress. And as long as there's always progress, I'll be a pretty happy camper. As a matter of fact, I might be so happy, so different, and so enlightened that I might actually enjoy camping by the time all is said and done.

Peace, love, and my dumbphone--

Emily